Why is it so difficult to say NO to people? Are you constantly asked by your boss to do an extra task, but you really don’t have the time. Does your friend ask you to babysit her extremely annoying 9 year old yet again on a Saturday night and however loud the little voice in your head is saying “JUST SAY NO”, what actually comes out of your mouth is…. “Yes no problem!….(Darn it!)”
If this sounds anything like you and you find it difficult to say no, then you might benefit from some tips on how to be more assertive or even how to use some visual techniques to make it less likely of getting asked to do something.
When I am at work nothing says do not disturb better than having your headphones on, this might seem too good to be true but seriously headphones work. If you don’t have an I-pod or other music device just pretend!
Similarly, if you are in a public place and are just not in the mood to participate and want some ‘me’ time simply get a book out and get engrossed, most people agree that it is rude to interrupt someone who is reading.
If you use an electronic diary which your work colleague can check, or you have instant messenger at work make sure you block out time in your diary so that people can’t sneak a meeting in there and make sure your status is set to do not disturb. This is simple but effective.
Be more assertive. This is easier said than done, but it does get easier with practice. The best way to say no to a request is to start your reply with…
“Thank you for asking but I can’t commit to that right now.”
Or if it’s really difficult to say NO but you just don’t have the time, tell them WHY and BUY yourself some time.
“I would like to help but I am currently working on X,Y,Z…If you can’t get anyone else to do it, the earliest I will be able to get started on it will be [day]”
This puts the ball back in their court…if they want it doing sooner than your given day, they will have to find someone else or wait until it’s convenient for you.
Another method I like to use is the art of compromise. Consider what someone can do for you, if you agree to do something for them.
“OK I can do that for you, but would you mind doing a testimonial for my website?”
OR
“I can get that report written for you by Friday, if you could help me come up with some articles for the newsletter, would that be OK?”
Hope that gives you some ideas of how to avoid some dreaded work, would love to know what has worked for you and if you have some of your own tips.
Yours in Success,
July 12th, 2010 at 2:51 am
Wow Beth!
This is such an important post. So many of us, I think maybe especially women, tend to be too agreeable when it come to helping people out or taking on extra tasks. I know I have had difficulty in getting over-committed due to this very thing!
So I have learned over time to be more assertive, and learned how to say ‘No’. But I love your suggestions of asking for compromise or help in return, that had not occurred to me!
Thank you for such a valuable post!
Wishing You Brilliant Success,
Vicki
.-= Vicki Berry´s last blog ..Creating Your Online Signature Easier Than You Think =-.
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Brian Reply:
May 23rd, 2011 at 10:04 pm
I think men have a lot of trouble saying no too. We’ve been raised to think of ourselves as the “helpers” and the “problem solvers” so when anyone approaches us with something that needs a solution, we’re eager to help.
I’ve been struggling with this for a while. As a teacher, it’s hard for me to tell someone who is asking me for help “no.” That’s why I also really like the suggestion of asking for help in return. I might not be able to say no, but at least I’m getting something from the other person too.
Brian´s last [type] ..Taxation of Limited Liability Companies
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Hey Brian,
I hope my tips helps, I would love to know how you have got on and whether you have been able to says NO.
Great to have you here,
Beth
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July 12th, 2010 at 3:47 am
Beth, I love this. My new response lately is “No, but thanks for asking anyhow!” When said very politely, it makes people cock their heads and wonder if you’re being sarcastic or not. But it also works!! Thanks for the great post and great advice on the subject of making more time for what’s important.
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July 12th, 2010 at 4:04 am
Beth,
Being a single mom with no family to help out when I need support, I have had to ask more than my fair share of requests of people. I hate asking as much as people hate being asked. One thing I loearned in Landmark Education was to say before you even ask the request “And just so you know, it is fine if you say no, I won`t be offended”…. that let`s people off the hook right away and free to actually choose to help if they want to. But you have to be willing to hear NO when you ask.
I think the world would be a better place if more people said yes when they should and more people said when they need to!
People appreciate authenticity more than anything. I would rather have someone tell me no when they really didn’t want to help, than to yes and then complain to others that they “had” to help because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
It really is ok to say no! But what joy it can be to say sometimes too!
Live Full Out!
Susan
.-= Susan Davis´s last blog ..Pssst… Wanna know the 1 secret to success in MLM =-.
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July 12th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Beth, Thank you for bringing this to our attention. The word No is often difficult to do. Many years ago, when I had to learn to say no, I looked in the mirror and repeated no. I did not change into a monster, I was the same person. Then came the AHA moment…. I realized then that saying No, not at this time or No thank you is more sincere and honest.
When I was fearful of saying “NO” it brought me to a discomfort or anger place because I wasn’t being honest with myself. Not saying no, does more harm than good.
I rather have a no, not now, maybe later, than a Yes with no energy behind it.
Thank you Beth, this is a thought provoking issue.
Donna Merrill´s last [type] ..Finding Your Niche – Part 1
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July 13th, 2010 at 12:13 am
Hey Beth,
Another great article. Yeah, a lot of people struggle with the concept of saying “no” for sure. Even myself at times.
Ahhh, it’s like the constant need to please
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Hey Ryan, I know what you mean…I struggled with this for a while. But it gets easier and easier the more assertive we become. Don’t work too hard
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July 13th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Beth,
Great post on a great subject. We HAVE to practice standing up for ourselves. AND, we have to practice accepting “no’s” as well. I sent an email out to about 20 TSA colleagues asking for a little support in promoting my upcoming teleseminar, “Bring Back The Passion!” A few emailed back, “of course, I’d love to help.” Most didn’t reply. One responded, “did we subscribe to some list? how do we opt out?” That one hurt my feelings, as it felt very impersonal and I felt after commenting on people’s blogs for two months pretty consistently, I “deserved” a little more than that. I know it’s more about me and that’s my work!
Thanks again,
Adam
Adam Sheck´s last [type] ..Sexless Relationship Don’t Be A Statistic-
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Awww Adam, I would love to help you out, not sure I got the email you mention above..but if I can be any help, please let me know, it would be a pleasure
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July 13th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Beth – You must’ve been looking over my shoulder lately! <<>> I just used the “why I can’t do it right now but I’ll be happy to do it a little later” line on one of my business colleagues today. And guess what….they weren’t offended! I think that’s our fear most of the time -that we are going to offend those who need our assistance. But if we handle it in the right way, they’ll actually have a lot more respect for us and appreciate it even more when we DO do things for them.
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
Hey Steve,
Yes I agree with you that they will have more respect for us. It certainly feels like a weight has been lifted when we are able to say NO without people taking offence and it certainly gets easier over time.
Beth
p.s. I wasn’t looking over your shoulder lol…..honest!
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July 14th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
It can definitely be hard sometimes to simply just say no. I’ve often found myself in situations I would rather have not been in because I couldn’t think of a good or a nice way to say no. I Steve that we are usually afraid of offending somebody but in reality, people respect those who are able to hold their own.
Angel
Angel Taylor´s last [type] ..Katie Freiling Makes Me Uncomfortable At No Excuses Summit
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July 16th, 2010 at 12:55 am
Beth,
You make some good points here. I used to have a hard time saying no to people. I felt sorry for everyone and found that I didn’t think enough about myself. I realized that I needed to take my own self into consideration, because a lot of the time no one else was. I try to keep helping others into a balance. If someone really needs the help then I help out and they in return help me when I’m really in a bind. However, if I feel that my time is too limited and things are “out of balance” I use comments like, “I’m sorry, I have a prior commitment,” or “I’m sorry, I have an appointment that day,” or finally, “I’m sorry, that won’t work for me that day”.
Thanks for the great article!
Susan Howard
Healthy-Healing-Oils.com
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
July 21st, 2010 at 9:42 pm
Your welcome Susan,
Glad you resonated with what I was saying and can see the benefits of being stronger with people. It helps us grow in confidence when we are able to take control and say NO once in a while.
Beth
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July 17th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
This is such a great post, Beth! One technique I used to use when I was working at a j.o.b. and the boss wanted to pile on more work was this…
“Well, I’d love to help you with that. I have X, Y, and Z projects going right now – which one would you like me to stop working on so I can do this?”
Then ‘stop talking’ and ‘wait’.
It worked well
–Lori
Lori Tisot´s last [type] ..The Change To Entrepreneur – Are You Ready
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July 19th, 2010 at 6:01 am
Hi Beth,
you hit the nail on the head – it is very important to say no. If we are not true to ourselves and our energy levels then we can not give with integrity.
Love your examples!
Love and Light
from
Yorinda
Yorinda´s last [type] ..Smile
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July 19th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Wow what a great post so enlighting and so needed. I know for me I do a lot of stuff simply because I want to be liked. But we do need to draw the line somewhere. Saying yes to everything is ok if you don’t have a lot of people asking.
Thanks for enlighting me.
Rob
Rob Franta´s last [type] ..My Anniversary You Big Week!
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July 20th, 2010 at 5:45 am
Saying no is something I’ve finally gotten better at but am far from perfect at protecting my valuable asset, my time. You have some great ideas here. I love “Thank you for asking but I can’t commit to that right now.” It’s straight to the point but reminds the person that you consider it a compliment that they considered you for the task.
Teresa Ivory´s last [type] ..Justin Glover – From 3 Jobs to Full-Time Internet Income
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July 20th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Hi Beth! These are great tips. It is so easy to over commit or do things you really want to say no to. Thanks for sharing these great ideas.
Angela´s last [type] ..10 Ways to Find the Motivation to Exercise
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
July 21st, 2010 at 9:35 pm
Hey Angela
It really is easy to over commit…we need to stronger and be more assertive
Beth
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July 27th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Hello Beth,
Great Blog you have going on. This post hit home for me. There was a time in my life where I was the guy that people used and abused my time.
I finally had to learn just to say no more often and let people stand on their own two feet without me always having to be there.
In the end it was good for them and good for me…
Wishing you all my best
Larry Bilich´s last [type] ..Article Marketing Tips-Does It Really Work
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
July 28th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Absolutely Larry, I bet you felt like a weight had been lifted of your shoulders once you started saying No. Glad to connect with you.
Beth
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December 21st, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Wow great way to say no I tell you that, i know it can be difficult at work to say no then guest what you will be the one with the overload thx Beth.. this is great i will use this!
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 10:49 pm
Hope it helps, Tanisha, let me know how you get on.
Beth
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April 15th, 2011 at 5:16 pm
Stalled for a moment with a little confusion on all the dates from the 4/11 date on the article to the comments dating all the way back to July of last year? Anyway, good message and very well written article! I think most people have situations (or other people) we have a tough time saying no to. One good thing about getting more “mature” is it does become easier. Thanks for the great tips.
Marquita Herald´s last [type] ..Honoring Victims of Domestic Violence This Mother’s Day
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
April 19th, 2011 at 9:17 pm
LOL…Hey Maquita…I have been reposting old blog posts…to spend more time on the biz.. I guess I need to delete the dates again. Thanks for the comment and the heads up.
Beth
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April 16th, 2011 at 4:22 am
Hi Beth,
I’m the worst at saying no! And when I do I usually mumble out same lame excuse.
The responses you gave would really be helpful and they do limit the follow up questions.
I do use the headphones trick and most people get it, but there are still some who try and talk to me while I am clearly wearing headphones… I don’t get it. still great advice though.
Thanks for sharing.
Talk soon,
Kevin
Kevin Schmidt´s last [type] ..Your Prospects Perception Is True Reality
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
April 19th, 2011 at 9:12 pm
OMG, Kevin….there is this one person…who talks to me all the time, when I am clearly listening to my headphones. I don’t get it either. Guess some people just can’t read the body language.
Beth
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April 18th, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Very interesting article Beth, with some great tips. There does seem to be a stigma with the word NO. Sure there aren’t many people who want to hear it especially in your examples given. It could be they don’t want to feel guilty, or subconsciously they are a people pleaser and thats their way of convincing people to like them.
Saying no to someone isn’t the end of the world by any means, and who knows they will probably get more accomplished by doing so in the long run. No one aims to being a doormat but as you mentioned compromise is a good thing and some very interesting suggestions you made as well.
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bethhewitt80 Reply:
April 19th, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Hey CJ,
Thanks for the comment. Saying NO is hard but does get easier over time and that guilty feeling also diminishes.
Beth
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April 20th, 2011 at 5:40 am
Great post, Beth! I think that one of the reasons why so many people have trouble saying no is because they think that someone will be too mad at them if they say no, so they don’t draw lines. However, failing to do that will only add to tension. I don’t mind helping people, but I also realize that I can’t stretch myself too thin, either.
Steve Nicholas´s last [type] ..Learning from a Legend
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November 21st, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Beth, thanks for such nice tips. You’ve helped me alot here. Thanks for sharing this post with me.
mercedez´s last [type] ..mijn autoverzekering
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